咖啡

by 小葵 on 2014/03/10

 

今天是2014年第一次有念头写一点文字。在灌下两大马克杯的咖啡之后。

两个月前,在微博更新:想喝咖啡,可惜没糖。两个月后,今晚我更新:想喝咖啡,现在有糖了。

从前害怕苦涩,不喝无糖咖啡。

 

一个月前,躲在房间,睡觉,绝食,自闭,胸闷,哭泣。在给妈妈的电话里已经哭到崩溃。

她第二天来到我的住处,没多说什么。

一来就开始打扫房间,地板先拖两遍,再用抹布蹲在地上擦拭到一层不染。

翻遍我的衣橱,说太素了,说外婆和她穿衣都很讲究,数落我怎么不给自己多买一些漂亮的衣服。

她逛菜市场把冰箱填满,作料买齐,做好吃的饭,她总记得我喜欢吃什么。

 

我破解了邻居的wifi,教她微信,看搜狐新闻,优酷里下载广场舞。

我把舞蹈视频放到宽屏液晶电视的外接本地硬盘里,跟着电视

她在铺满阳光的客厅跳舞。

真好,这个吃了那么多苦的女人。

依旧认真的热爱着生活。

这是罗曼罗兰说的另一种英雄主义么。

 

 

她在卧室睡得早,只是我偶尔深夜窝在客厅沙发,听着歌,默无声息,泪流满面。

而爸爸给我电话总是小心翼翼,语气柔和,怕说到什么刺激到我我又任性哭着大声吼着。

他不太会说,可能是在电视里捡了几句别扭的话,乖女儿,回家吧,离开那个伤心的地方。

又不是没人要了,会遇到更好的。不着急,三十岁遇到都不算晚。

 

哦,对了,是妈给我买白砂糖,我是真的有糖了。

 

我把微信签名改成了:直面内心深处的痛苦,与它和解,和它告别。

八十天后,剥离掉那个软弱依赖的自己,开始心平气和的面对独立的自己。

因为“爱过,真的爱过”。

 

三月总是带点诗意,有“你是一树一树的花开,是燕在梁间呢喃。你是爱,是暖,是希望。是人间四月天。”

三月开始,骑自行车下班回家的街道上,看到以前干枯的树上,突兀地簇拥着白色的花。好像濒死后的奇迹。

也会忽然想到你,然后笑了笑自己。

 

成都郊县某小区七楼,室内客厅有两盆一人高的绿植,清幽里添了生机。

我把米白色的地板拖得干干净净,空气很好,透过从正午进来的阳光下都看不到尘埃。

 

几枝绿萝,水培在杯子里,放在茶几上。

很可惜她们没能陪我一起度过冬天,换了好多次水,根部还是有腐烂。

我很少培育绿萝有活不下去的,这优雅的绿色小生命,我懂她们的顽强。

两个月前,我从不认为她们会这样耸拉着,奄奄一息。

一段时间里我曾把她们物化。如果她们能活,我的爱情就不会死。

后来,绿萝死了,奇迹的是我遇到了另一种方式的绝处逢生,和咖啡有关。

 

上帝很调皮,给你砒霜后又会给你糖吃。这是近十年我所理解的生活真谛。

2014年二月里的情人节,开始戏剧化。和2012年九月一样的一面哭一面笑的转折。

 

在安静的独居的房间,没有调素琴,阅金经。所谓的重伤后没有放任自己。

而是捧着kindle大量阅读,企图救赎。

而是窝在深夜沙发,看情景美剧,让自己笑出来。

而是给一年后的自己写信,罗列这二十多年的时间线,试图看清自己。

 

无论是阳春白雪,还是下里巴人。生活会暂时欺骗你,生活也总会给你惊喜。

所以我永远不会放弃自己。

在胸闷压抑的时候,我不停暗示自己:直面痛苦,和解,告别。

脑子里给自己念:

“不要害怕悲伤发生,不要害怕失恋,不要害怕了解人性,

这一切,都可能是为了让你更接近爱。”

 

我承认我是愚蠢的,情商极低的,做过很多傻事。我接受多重多样的自己。

感谢那些伤害,疼痛对人有益处,过去是经历,不是负担,不是吗。

 

在我看着妈妈每天早上比我早起给我做早饭的时候。

在我听着老歌,回望过去,深夜笑着哭的时候。

在我拎着大米和鸡蛋,在小区三步走两步歇的时候。

在我一个人听歌,吃饭,睡觉,拖地的时候。

在我和朋友微信上抬杠聊天的时候。

在我在笔记本上罗列自己长中短期目标的时候。

 

不再贪恋如履薄冰的舒适和依恋。

某个瞬间,我谅解了所有的人和事。

学会爱自己,学会爱别人。

伤口结痂,感谢生活。

 

家里没联网,用ip的流量做了个人热点,mac登陆wp的后台更新博客。

好久没上推特,翻墙之,发现三年前在推上写的签名:

“what does not kill me, makes me stronger.”

这句话,作为博客的结尾吧。

 

..

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There are 43 comments in this article:

  1. 03/10/2014wwek says:

    先赞后看`

  2. 03/10/2014wwek says:

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  3. 03/26/2014riverai says:

    中间那个逗号可能不需要吧

  4. 03/26/2014riverai says:

    中间那个逗号可能不需要吧

  5. 05/22/2014那些癖事 says:

    真厉害,邻居wifi都能破

  6. 05/22/2014那些癖事 says:

    真厉害,邻居wifi都能破

  7. 05/24/2014Windy Liu says:

    你是学计算机的?既然可以破解wifi?

  8. 05/24/2014Windy Liu says:

    你是学计算机的?既然可以破解wifi?

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