四月

by 小葵 on 2013/04/3

 

四月,四月,四月。不知写啥,让我想想。想哪写哪吧。

 

可能是天气转暖了,感觉生活态度都变得懒懒的。

不是真懒,而是一种舒适安宁的心境。

看连续剧,看书,做饭,慢跑,隐秘的执行自己的计划。

其实不全是天气的原因吧,身心缓慢起来,是为了即将来的迁移做准备。

但对于上一个冬天,回忆起来那种冷的感觉,从秋天就开始了。

在去年八月开始思考这一天,真的到来时又有点四顾茫然。

 

好比是一次长途远行,知道走完了一个山头,五月又会出现新的山水。

人生不过900个月。已走完300个月。

但凡没经历过的,都会有一点期待吧。

也许还有点小紧张。

 

我喜欢google世上大部分新鲜玩儿,但我喜欢改变吗?不见得。

恋旧、散漫,敏感。

但这两年明显感觉自己心智又上了个小台阶。

比如:越来越容易说服自己。

 

人挺会自我设限的,在25岁快到来的时候会偶尔出现一丝慌兮兮。

 

前两天,骑着低碳自行车回家,又遇见那个很高很瘦的陌生男生,1米9多吧。

从我身边走过时,我忽然又被什么情绪小小的震慑了一下。

我知道作怪的是自己有时候一颗自尊又低贱的心。

 

又是这种状态:想说很多,但是又说不出来。

朋友说的对,太感性,却又被偶尔窜出的理性折磨。

 

昨天愚人节,把那瓶红酒开了。

手被戳了个伤口,静默微醺中,好像听见有个声音在说:再见!

再见,我的理想主义。再见,西子湖畔。

再见,你和你们。

 

身边朋友的婚讯渐多,偶尔会好想找个温暖男生嫁了。

帆是那种单纯,向上的男生,又保留他自己的小个性。

多是带来温暖,虽有缺点,又不太懂得哄女生,但还在忍耐范围之内。

有一次气急,在一张纸上罗列了他所有不体贴和缺点,和未来的困难。

还好,十条以内,想了几天,一一宽容。

那几天平复自己,处理了心里的不爽和现实中要解决的问题。

既往不咎。

 

想来,几年前和前男友分手,我可是罗列了A4纸一整篇我不能忍他的地方。

但同时又有A4纸一半觉得他好的地方。

最后下定决心,离开。

每当念起以前时,就去看那页缺点,心就宽慰多了。

这个方法估计是小学时看鲁滨逊漂流记学来的。

前几日,又是醉酒来电,我态度冷淡,快三年了我都忘光了。他说老孙,祝你幸福。

 

 

从前我觉得自己一定要找一个懂很多,折腾很多,内敛而才华的人。

后来转念想,这种男生适合在理想中,现实中不太实用。

两个太过相似,太过有独立思想的人,相遇初期是火花,但也是累积炸药颗粒,指不定哪天矛盾爆发。

更有甚者,招蜂引蝶,还有很多奇葩属性我也许更不能忍。

 

真正爱你的男人,其实总惹你生气,你却发觉不了他到底做错了什么。。。

灵感断掉了,不想写了。

。。。

。。

 

 

 

 

 

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