F

by 小葵 on 2012/12/13

 

大概09年,我展望过2013年1月4。这么快,居然还有22天至这一天。

那时我还少女怀春的曾想,这一天会不会有个优秀男选手,marry me。

不小心点进了以前的贴吧,只是当时已脑残的感觉。那个头像的信息量不少,某时某地,就像一个屌丝味道的梦。

 

而这些年我都干了什么呢? 算什么呢?有时候有种时间错觉,这两年过得比我二十年还长。

 

喝了半杯淡红色的杨梅烧,自酿的。最近有些偏爱周树人的文风,民国时期的犀利哥。

“这是怎样的哀痛者和幸福者?然而造化又常常为庸人设计。

以时间的流逝,来洗涤旧迹,仅使留下淡红的血色和微漠的悲哀。”

对,酒就是这个文字的味道。

 

 

本来写到这段,准备弃了此文。因为实在无话可说。不是词穷,而是实在无需赘言。

若要形容我最近的心情。心里立马永恒盘亘一个词,那个词很不雅,给读者盆友留个想象。

 

刚刚刷微博,发现李志的新专辑叫F,嗯,我喜欢,只有喜欢的人才知道这个F是啥意思。

 

不大相信自愈这一说了。本以为自我调节能力不错,结果实在败给这个CD的世界了。

最近几月,上班像上坟,上下班拥挤的公交。世界对我不nice了,我也冷眼,不耐烦,甚至暴躁对这个世界。

 

“我想不通我自己。” 这句话是我的打胡乱说。

 

比如带点小畏惧的接到某人电话,那种傲娇和不像自己,然后蒙着被子,眼睛不自主分泌生理盐水。

首先这一点我想不通。凭什么一直去拥抱一只沉默的刺猬。

 

还有我脑子里很多画面,根据我妈在我面前的碎碎念,我杜撰出来的。是有点凄凄惨惨戚戚。

是我的错吗?是是是是。或则有个推卸责任的说法就是,这是命。

 

南美洲一只蝴蝶煽动了下翅膀,引发了德克萨斯的一场海啸。现在看来这个科学事实真的很可怕。姐可是完整的体验了一把。

他失去了什么,仅仅是一只眼睛吗。绝不止。

 

我也不止失去那么一点。原来我想改变的,一点都没变。我依旧是那个在灰暗里,灰暗的写着日记的小女孩。

但是我们知道我们都不会放弃,还是会继续生活。我怕什么,我怕他的幽怨。那样我会自责。

 

今天又接到妈妈电话。若我去统计下这几月我妈给我的电话量,堪比热恋中的少男少女,上百通了呀。

不过今天没谈病人。她不经意的有句话,到现在还能戳我泪点。“我说你是我的女儿呀”。泪目。好温暖。

 

在我不正常的时候,我就喜欢把TATU的专辑翻出来听。撕裂,尖叫,峰回路转的轻笑。

 

如果我可以逃避,我一定逃避。后来回望过去的逃避,觉得没做对。那就是我错。本来事情不会这么糟。

我无法温柔面对,只能吼了,面对顽固和无助,电话里的聒噪,我常常急得想把手机就地扔了。扔手机广播体操嘛。呵呵。

 

和各路人断绝联系。实在无心经营。勉强和帆哥调调情。

 

我要把阳光抑郁症扼杀在襁褓。

 

哎呀呀,求个帅哥哥陪我去看人在囧途之泰囧。

 

因为我真的好久没笑了。

 

..

.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There are 126 comments in this article:

  1. 12/17/2012神算子 says:

    求个美女一起看囧泰~

  2. 11/9/2013邹勇 says:

    我在恶心的世界里,寻找一个像你的人 在每个想你的日子里,等另一种感情 我在失败的生活里,寻找一个爱我的人 我的悲伤,浪漫和幻想,不对她说起

  3. 11/9/2013邹勇 says:

    我在恶心的世界里,寻找一个像你的人

    在每个想你的日子里,等另一种感情

    我在失败的生活里,寻找一个爱我的人

    我的悲伤,浪漫和幻想,不对她说起

  4. 11/29/2013Windy Liu says:

    我有抑郁症,也时常哭。

  5. 11/29/2013Windy Liu says:

    我有抑郁症,也时常哭。

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