好冷

by 小葵 on 2012/07/7

 

不合时宜的,我感到好冷。空调遥控器上显示的是26度。黑夜小房间里一台亮着的电脑,还有小葵。

 

七月七日,窗外下起了空调雨。

 

腿冷,去抱了棉被,裹在身上,深夜写文。大些了,越来越不习惯曝露太心底的感情,更喜欢言简意赅。

我大抵算是满意当下的生活。

 

上班CD,下班后,径直去刷卡借公共自行车,低碳到家,吼热,脱衣服换睡裙。进厨房,熬绿豆粥,银耳羹。

冰箱开开合合,没发现好吃的东西。电热水壶烧开水,进卧室简单收拾书桌。

该洗的衣服放进洗衣机。进浴室洗澡。

出来然后上网,用开水泡茶喝,喝绿豆粥,晾衣服

完了,坐在电脑前,用手机聊天。

 

貌似有点琐碎的生活,有一些些貌似的怡然自得。就是没看书。

 

关于,她今天给我说,8月11号结婚,我平静了,沉默的祝福。不知能否回去一趟。

一系列的结婚事件,比如马诗名,青儿,唐唐。

祝福。祝福。祝福。

我也不多感慨了。

 

那晚西湖边的白堤真的很美,大脑点击一个赞,然后收藏。

谢谢某个人的陪伴。

 

哦,其实昨天下午有个插曲。看到父母皆祸害小组,问父母毁掉你最珍贵的东西是什么。后面的跟帖。

我对心理学有好感,知道人性格形成,与童年经历,父母很大关联。

我那时开始追忆小时候,情绪一下没对,哭了。

想到了造就了现在的我的性格一些童年原因。想到了某些伤害过我心灵的亲人。不提也罢。

那种伤害,直至去年在饭桌上,我说起来还愤慨而伤心,哭。

 

当然父母一直很爱我。说毁掉,太严重。

他有些暴力,常常打我。没给过太多正面习惯的引导。一直记得他说每天早上起来带我一起晨跑,其实一直都睡懒觉,从未实现过。

那年我想要一个漂亮的书包,没达成的愿望。我的儿童节舞蹈,关于服装问题。那年我的央求要学小提琴,她的不同意,画画也终止。

诚然父母的教育方式不可能尽善尽美。

 我理解,我都理解。

小豆豆没有进入巴学园,没遇到小林校长,估计也会当成问题儿童。

 

其实我也许知道,毁掉我心中某些珍贵的东西,造就了我内心孤僻角落,是那个我做梦都会梦见和她哭着吵架的人。

11岁12岁13岁14岁15岁15岁17岁。

一个女人,隔了好远的女人,小小个,眼神里好多内容,太聪明,太势力。

过去了,不提她。

 

我更愿意用用几件事,分下阶段。

想到了9岁那年。我有个巴掌大的迷你日记本,写了很多心事,现在真的好想找到它,祈求它还躺在老家的我放杂物的老式箱子里。

想到了11岁那年。10路车上,好闷热,我有点晕车,白色的夏装,那是我第一次离开家。

想到了16岁那年,我从5楼哭着跑下来,在电话亭哽咽着跟爸爸通电话,那是我第一次逃离“家”。

想到了22岁那年,那个妈妈送我的车站,我完全不能控制的流泪,回到家和离开家,同时发生。

 

昨天出去给爸打了个电话,彩铃依旧是某首网络红歌,我竟越听越喜欢。

喂,您好,请问是孙先森吗?

劳资!又来豁我,逮到把你打痛哦,哦哈哈哈哈。

嘻嘻嘻嘻嘻哈哈哈,爸,你那边热不热哦?

(四筒!)热哦

好哇,你在打麻将!哼

 

接着给妈妈打了个电话,依旧在加班。

我有时候想,我的工作态度,工作时长有我妈的一半,我就成top了。

给她买了新西兰某保健品,说寄过去了。

她居然破天荒的木有抨击我乱花钱。

说来也巧,给她买的东西,里面包含我09年一件了不起而心酸的往事。

世间是奇妙的,好多事情,几年前就埋好伏笔。

 

想到了凯,忽然的想念。

刚刚看了他的秋秋签名:

“我觉得最最幸福的事情就是,每天的忙碌,到了晚上吃得饱饱的,然后回到家,洗个澡,接着玩会游戏,睡觉,幸福真心很简单。”

哇哦,凯哥现在不打架不叛逆了不网瘾少年了,修炼成一个小清新了。

 

7月4号,我要记下来一些重要时间,因为我大脑很难生成时间轴。

文哥哥当爸爸了。是个女儿。

比我大一岁零4个月的哥哥,童年的记忆,很多是他的陪伴。

那刻觉得自己任务好多,很多没完成。比如给小朋友买点什么。

外婆又抱重孙了,子孙满堂。

 

想起那时哥哥在上海,我在杭州,我们聊小时候,外婆疼我们两个,吃抄手的两个娃。聊得两个人都情绪失控,想哭。

并同时决心说今年一起飞回去看外婆。我觉得自己是个混蛋,很少回去陪外婆,唉。

想起了妈妈很爱外婆,那年回去给她庆生的途中,大巴遇到车祸。

我承诺给她要买的助听器,因为要听力报告而搁浅。

搞得我现在我也迫不及待想回去了,老人真的不能等你太久。

 

前几周常常出去社交,玩,反倒觉得累。

其实我本来就是个内倾的人,习惯自己独处,不太喜欢过分熟络的社交。

结果上周,上周,上上周,各种接触。

后来觉得大都不靠谱,我也觉得很疲惫去应对。

 

还有感情这块。以前和我say goodbye的男生,都回头了一下。

还好,我成熟很多。获得更纯熟的一种技能是,能置身事外来思考当下的问题。而不是完全陷入迷恋。

但是那种理想主义,完全是性格使然,引力太强了,实在扳不回来。

今天不小心看11年10月以前写的私密日志。

觉得那时自己好单纯,SB,又过分焦虑。

 

原本你觉得好的东西,过段时间不一定好了。

原本你焦虑的事情,当现在拉回去看,觉得属于自扰。

生活有好多的原本,只有自己去经历了,才会懂。

 

我好恋旧,改不掉这个习惯。

我常常回忆过去的事情,会心一笑。我的快乐常常来自我大脑的臆想。

我前段时间一直想找到我暗恋的同桌。

找了十多年的感觉,我的惯用密码是他家多年前的固定电话。

青儿说别找了,不然像婷那样,会失望。

后来在朋友网搜到了疑似对象,我又变成了那年扎着两个辫子的小女生。

给他写了消息,估计他不会看到。

 

我是要找回过去的自己,还是要告别过去的自己?

 

记起一句在豆瓣上看到的一句话,我很喜欢。

 

“可是你要知道,

所有你的过去,

都不能定义你是谁。

你现在的选择,

每一个此时此刻,

才是真实的你。”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There are 29 comments in this article:

  1. 07/8/2012wwek says:

    劳资!又来豁我,逮到把你打痛哦

    ~~

    每个人看过去的日自己都觉得幼稚sb可笑,可那还是自己。

    ~~

    这样写写挺好的,不会找不到自己,能让自己静心。

  2. 12/12/2018Sannygop says:

    Nice posts! 🙂
    ___
    Sanny

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