残忍

by 小葵 on 2012/03/26

 

钱钟书先生说,如果你想要跟一个人结婚,就先跟他去旅行。

我已经忘记了那个在成都火车站彻夜等候的男生。最好的时光,过去了,亦或是,现在?

 

我很容易陷入焦虑和茫然无措。介于规划和散漫之间痛苦的拖延。

第二天要上班的深夜依旧的紧绷感。我想平复下,但是如何平复呢。

发现我写的文都是情感泛滥和抒发,意识流和胡言乱语,很少有些论点论据,也没有些针砭时事的杂文。

习惯围观,不评论。

在我找不到我想找的东西时,我很乱,那种乱是空落落的,一定要找到吗?是的。

其实一直有个习惯,是习惯把要做的事,方向什么的写成一个清单,这样我就不心慌了。

虽然没去做,但是我写在那里了,关于工作,学习,生活几大方面各方面提升自己的,写了几大篇。

 

今晚沮丧的发现是周日的傍晚,我要整理我的lists啊。

但是找不到,找不到笔记本,难道丢了吗还是放在办公室了。

找不到东西的感觉真的叫我失望。我在muji买了N多的笔记本。

我的书籍箱里N多空白的笔记本,很喜欢买好看的本子。

 

甚至还有高中的本子,都留着,说以后会有机会写的,但是放置,拖延,一晃三四年就过去了,依旧空白。

看来我真的不是个规划并执行的人。这个周末过得不忍说。一塌糊涂。

 

大脑越来越不好使了,不该记得的我记得,该记得的我忘得差不多。

或者说是浑浑噩噩,为什么啊,我这种类型的人一生注定痛苦,纠结,追求精神的解脱吗。

我需要精神寄托,可以是在网上和我语音的一个男声,可以使一只小兔子,可以是一根网线。

 

我想吃脆脆的饼干,昨晚我梦见我在吃饼干。上次是吃馄饨。

前晚我又梦见自己去了台湾,梦中我记得我上次去台湾,白天的我不记得。

还用GPS定位自己的位置,脑中浮现一副台湾地形图。

梦见高清的生活,梦见外婆,妈妈,我记得我在梦里哭了,好遗憾,好害怕。

第二天下午5点我醒来的那刻我延续了梦里的难过,醒来想起妈妈和我分别的场景,我哭了。

 

这是一个人住的第几年?骨子里的有一份伤感一直都在,童年的阴影一直都在。

有时候觉得自己走在一个虚无的世界,有时候和妹妹的一通电话。

我才记起原来我的步子太快了,我真的就是一无所有的家伙。

我甚至无法实现她的一个小小愿望。有些欲望我本不应该去填满,因为我本来就不属于,不应该。

 

兔子死了,看到它的挣扎和萎靡。我发呆发傻,提着笼子去垃圾桶,一路如游魂,手一直僵硬着大脑一片空白。

没心情没胃口吃饭,一片阴影,我难道真的这么感情用事吗?

想起战马里面说,如果本不属于你的东西,你就不应该给他取名字。

 

我不开心的时候从不说我不开心,当我不说话的时候说明真的内心痛苦。

后来和墨尔本的某个男声语音,我边说边哭,感冒外加内心的苦闷。

我到底怎么了。周末哪里也不想去,就想睡觉,睡到天昏地暗。

虽然在起来的那刻,看到外面的余晖,应该是阳光很好的一天,可是我错过了。

 

很享受一个人的暖床,一个人的时光,阳台上的植物,饿了自己爬起来做饭吃或啃一个苹果。

渴了兑一些绿茶喝。然后把mac摆在床上,看高清电影,最近电影是看了些。

但是书看得好少,其实想买一个KF,但是好像没有勇气去消费了,信用卡伤不起了。

 

今天早些时候还接到一个老朋友的电话,还有家里的马桶修好了,也不漏水了,应该很心满意足了哇。

但是衣服还没洗,明天的便当没有带,笔记本没找到,抵消一下,剩下的还是内心的不舒服。

 

感情方面,真的不想期待了,因为自己骨子里的自卑和现实。

呵呵,我知道好的都不是我的,我喜欢的都不会喜欢我,我只能远远看着傻傻的笑,然后失落一下下。

自己还不好呗,还能怎样吗?我知道没人明白了,我也不需要人明白,我就是我。

 

其实还是会期待着和某人一起去旅游一圈,虽然有点小疯狂,呵呵,但是愿望总是美好的。

回到现实呢,是否有点小天方夜谭,小浮夸,小不切实际。

无它,在念想破灭前,让我这个幻想主义者YY一下也是好的么。

 

我向往,我向往的,不求他人,只能靠自己。这一点无容置疑的!

我忽然记得在微博上看到的一句话,不是名人名言。

就是一句忽然打动我的话,我需要它来刺激下我散漫的现在。

 

“机遇就像小偷,来时无声无息,走时却让你损失惨重。

抓住机遇最好的办法,就是每天激情澎湃地工作,

把每项内容都当成机遇,让机遇被你感染,舍不得走。”

 

周五没去教堂,我忏悔。去城西的路上,公车站的聋哑情侣,感触到我。

有一个咨询师写到,在这个世界上,唯一可以改变自己的只有自己,

当你发现自己是如此强大的时候,你可以帮助千千万万想要改变自己的人们。

 

想学油画,但是发现要从素描学起,要是在自己家里,阳光打进来,画架支起,涂鸦什么的好惬意。

 

残忍,比如岁月,比如死亡,比如漂泊。

 

唉。

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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