爱的怪圈

by 小葵 on 2011/03/8

最后
我们都忘了
当初是怎样的相爱
又是
又是怎样的分开
—莫奈

2010年3月8日。国际三八妇女节。杭州,时而热烈,时而淡漠的阳光。昨夜头痛难捱,今天早上早起,却分外清醒。依旧看书,依旧东张西望,依旧对自己进行审视。阳光温热,呼吸顺畅,一切都好。只是在恋爱这件小事上,不敢怀有更多的期待了。只是暂时吧,或许。而在如何使自己经济独立这件大事上,开始一面惶恐一面努力了。

我不是悲观主义者,不是文艺小清新,不是发誓赌咒再也不爱,我只是想在这样的一个下午,手痒心乱想来写点什么。爱情这个题材兼容性奇强,可以写一辈子。剖开内心,捞出我的小爱情,它3岁,幼年,但略显疲惫,干瘪。基本完整,但失去灵气,或许还有点救。

 

两个曾经互相关心互相理解的恋人,后来分开。除却外部因素,有哪一对恋人不是互相折磨,直至对方的底线?最开始的时候,对方是神秘的,未知的,有才华的。相处之后,互相揭开对方的面纱,发现也不过如此。发现对方有一个优点,又发现对方更多的缺点。

 

后来,渐渐地,不再主动关心对方,发现对方。短信更多的是敷衍,聊天不知道说什么,电话里连续的小沉默。不再去探索对方在互联网的生活记录,微博,博客,心情。不再兴冲冲的和对方分享生活的点滴。每一次的争执过后,互不道歉,互不修复,期待打折了,失望变多了。不再好奇了,不再用心去爱了。你问:还爱我吗?还是不变的回答:爱。但是这种爱,你仔细分析下成分,已经不是当年那个爱了。

 

对对方的不满和气愤变成硫磺、硝石、木炭,混合搁置在内心的一个桶里,上面写着:火药桶。一次次累计。有一天遇到一个明火,还没来得及说声:”Fire in the hole”,一切都惨不忍睹了。

 

但是,威胁和分手的过程是艰难异常的,相处那么久,分开都很阵痛,多半难产,甚至痛苦流涕。如同戒掉一个毒瘾。或者,找到第三者代替,这是一个能不受重伤,而洒脱,而不要脸地离开的好契机。是不是相守到最后的情侣,在爱情抛物线的后半期,都是靠争执后互相忍受来化解?都是靠回忆曾经的美好来延续?走得远一点的,靠爱情的结晶来转移苦闷?答案是:无解!

 

在经历了我曾经无比坚信的一段感情历程,最初的我手舞足蹈,后来的我显得无能为力。爱情变得鸡肋般,就把他的好与不好通通咽下去吧!无味,胃痛。丢弃吧!会心痛不已。有没有一种真正天长地久的爱情?有没有一张永久粮票,一生一起走的爱情?没有一片爱情保鲜膜可以永存激情和新鲜感?没有吧!大多数对爱情的期待,都是臆想。

 

付出吧,付出吧,先付出再说。不要先获得,获得你就上瘾了,只能适用他的甜言腻味,无比贴心。有一天,获得的少了,你的瘾发作了,透支对方的爱,会吓跑对方的。谁伤害了谁?完整的回答是,你伤害了我,我也伤害了你。在力的相互作用下,你给对方一阵粉拳猛揍,你也会感到拳头生疼发热对吧。试想一个人不先自己做践自己,谁能伤害得了你?

 

写到这里,你知道最窝火的事情是什么吗?就是道理什么都TM懂,消化再多治愈系的句子文章歌曲,可还是无法控制自己地催残自己,比如继续赖着,去挽回,去生气,去道歉,去乞爱,这样苦逼的状态。

 

爱情,都是一场互相厌倦的艰辛山路,一男一女互相伤害行为的提供场所,一个内心小孤单需要被关心的疗养院?可能,哪晓得最后,疗养不成,却落得个病入膏肓,进入加护病房。陷入了爱情的怪圈,走入的一个凌乱的迷宫。怪圈来袭,我东奔西走,无可逃遁。更为无奈,更为复杂的状况是:

 

你是一场海啸,把我全部淹没。
你是一片火光,让我震翅扑腾。
你是一堆基石,使我建筑希望。

 

谁让我还爱你!
谁让我们拥有共同的记忆!
男人啊,一个爱你的女人,你伤不起!
一个为你写一大篇日志的女人,你更伤不起!哈哈!

 

当然,受过重伤的人看到这里,我说的这些话对你只是隔靴搔痒,我没有解药。

我写这篇废话长文,也是给自己画一张饼,充个饥。食物,空气,水才是必需品,请尽情享用。

什么都不得而知。我什么都不知。

 

我需要逃避/摊开你的手/让我死在你怀里

美丽会凋零/泥土埋葬森林

美丽会凋零/腐朽我的爱情

—陈绮贞《腐朽》

PS:爽叔,我更新了,下午在WP后台编辑,已经写好了,网页突然被关,写的全丢。我强忍住我要爆发的小宇宙,耐心再写一篇这样类似的文章,不过好多灵感都丢了。不要再催稿了呀~

There are 39 comments in this article:

  1. 03/8/2011蜗牛 says:

    用的同一个主题。。

  2. 03/8/2011希思 says:

    渐渐地,不再主动关心对方,发现对方。短信更多的是敷衍,聊天不知道说什么,电话里连续的小沉默。不再去探索对方在互联网的生活记录,微博,博客,心情。不再兴冲冲的和对方分享生活的点滴。。。。。。。我想说,感情期长了这些状况基本会出现,因为彼此太了解了,在这里“爱”变成了责任,看谁愿不愿意继续负责。

  3. 03/8/2011失落的葵花 says:

    @希思, 冷暖自知吧,管他的呢。先经济独立再说!:)

  4. 03/8/2011红旗 says:

    三月八日,
    夫妻间的情人节。
    你悄悄的来了,
    可我还没准备好送给妻子的礼物。
    虽然妻没把这个节日想的那么浪漫,
    虽然每年都有三月八日,
    但是一生中的三月八日屈指可数。
    三月八日,
    是重温恋爱的甜美,
    是爱情在生活中的继续。

  5. 03/8/2011wwek says:

    嗯,我是爽叔了? 没吹你,我博客都万年不更新的。
    写博客用wlw写吧。

  6. 03/9/2011失落的葵花 says:

    @wwek, 我是敏姐。测试邮箱提示。

  7. 03/22/2011wwek says:

    宝贝:记住,不是眼泪就可以挽回失去的。所以不要轻易流下你的泪。不是伤心就一定要哭泣,所以不要那么吝啬你的微笑。宝贝:记住,不是你认为可以给予就给予,所以不要轻易许下承诺。不是你做得不够好,所以不要悲悯地以为自己一事无成。宝贝:记住,不是你一个人在努力,所以不要轻易地就放弃!
    — 劝过无需再劝,真想爆粗口了,你自己不懂的走出来,那么没人能救得了你。

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