命运

by 小葵 on 2011/02/3

每当我追溯自己的青春年华时

那些日子就像是暴风雪之晨的白色雪花一样

被疾风吹得离我而去

—《洛丽塔》

2010年10月10日。杭州。喜欢静坐在单纯,安静的图书馆。这样我会瞬间变得感性。掏出日记本和笔。生涩的手感。内心窘迫到连自己的心情都无法写出来。随着时间,环境变化,我的心境又被迫拆迁、迁居了,好漂泊。时间齿轮往前,我告诉自己不能沉湎于回忆,做时间的钉子户。对的。我想找回几年前的那个自己。I miss that girl。但,过去的意义在于,再也回不去了。

坐在一楼透明的玻璃桌上,图书馆里多了一些更科技,更美好的装潢。摆设在书架上那些没机会看的书籍,躺在那里,散发一种遗憾的美丽。我想去翻开它们,它们却对我静默。玻璃窗外面下起了柔软的小雨。花坛里几树桂花,一簇一簇,散发浓香,雨水也变成淡淡的桂花味。学妹们撑着各色的雨伞想体育馆位移而去。我不禁问自己:我现在在哪里呢?我是在梦里,还是梦里之外?

 

厌倦了电脑,没有温度。很浅。厌倦了工作,没有力量,很累。从所谓的工作和所谓的爱情的中抽离一下。啊,是自由,是自我审查,是不必取悦于人的生活。用很多年的时间去演绎了一个没有结局的生活剧。逃出来。然后用剩下的力量到处寻找更多的力量。”人在面临幸福时会突然变得胆怯,抓住幸福比忍受痛苦更需要勇气。

 

生活是裸色,东跌西撞,蹭了颜色,铺满灰尘,总想找到一汪清泉,跳下去,洗的干净澄澈。9月9号,我发现了一片大海。从此,曾经沧海难为水,除却巫山不是云。找一个自己爱也爱自己的人过一生。”当我在那日子的终了,站在您的面前时,您将看见我的伤疤,而知道我有我的许多创伤,但也有我的医治的法儿《飞鸟集》

 

前几年确实失去了自己吗?浮云,杂质,繁杂。最终也失去了爱情。都来不及去铭心刻骨。现在看来,自己仍用不触碰,不理睬来保护自己。对的,我似乎从来没有过去,没有回忆,我从来不记得什么,何必去忘记?平静而矛盾的心里偶尔会倏地冒出一个纤细的声音盘问自己:“你看你这几年你都干了些什么呀?”

 

“让懂的人懂,让不懂的人不懂,让世界是世界…”此时此地的自己已经写不出天真烂漫了。只能用一种近乎平静的文字在内心周围敲敲打打。该死,什么时候钻出来的无力感?“上帝会把我们身边最好的东西拿走,以提醒我们得到的太多”。还好,还好,上天待我不薄,补发给了我一份最后的礼物。“我们走进了夜海,去打捞遗失的繁星”。

 

来到图书馆四楼,炫白的白炽灯,有一种耀眼感,究竟是眼睛不适应,还是内心的小灰暗不适应?莫大的厅里最让我迷恋的是那一排排的植物。宛若逼真的假花。不,它们是真切的,有生命的,好新鲜。在呼吸。于寂静中我听到了。不是想象。感谢生命,感谢那些活力,翠绿的植物。她们会一直在我生命中抽绿,生长。

 

依旧继续问自己,问除了自己的另一个自己:我什么时候能真正的开心?这个问题我问了自己很多年。这或许没有答案吧,永远。抑或是,我已经真正开心过无数次了,只不过开心们的形状是一茬一茬的,不连续,竖直地安插在我生命的每一阶段。我知足了呀。“At last it dawned onto me that these obstacles were my life. 最后我醒悟过来了,这些障碍的本身就是我的生活”

 

妄想一片没有你的天空。忘记梦想,忘记自己。埋葬过去。

期待一片华丽丽的大海。重拾梦想,记起自己。沧海桑田。

 

You’re my destiny!

“清风吹拂不停,在茂密的山楂树下…”

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