这些障碍的本身就是我的生活

by 小葵 on 2011/02/2

最后我醒悟过来了

这些障碍的本身就是我的生活

At last it dawned on to me that these obstacles were my life

—Alfred Souza

 

我一直相信一个人的成长经历和环境对一个人的影响是深刻的。除却基因,我们是被外部力量打磨的独立个体。人会思考,有自己的人生观价值观体系。它需要认同。好似热带雨林的昆虫苔藓植物,每个生物都按自己的方式。或循规蹈矩,或肆意蔓延,都表达着。这些,谁记得,谁不记得。我们都不是那么完美。然而我们总想着完美的愿景。行动未抵达,落差和矛盾过后的文字、言语、情绪就成了释放口。

在现实的谈话中,很少有人在我讲了一大堆预想让对方认同自己的话后,丢一句话给我:你有过反思过你自己吗?确实。在一直的自我中。这句话来得突兀。我去思考了这句话在注入我心里后的变化。那一刻的思绪像翻书页。一年一页、一页一年。直到抵达自己上一个变化的分水岭。那些年都在自己控制自己。自己放开自己这两个循环中。想起来、会毫无头绪。

 

一直渴望让自己走自己想走的那条路。但是我没有走下去,我太懒惰松散。一直渴望平淡而热烈的爱情。但是我没有珍惜没感动,我太贪心自私。一直渴望亲人们舒适而幸福满足,但是他们依旧漂泊煎熬。我太不懂事顽劣。一直渴望朋友们真心无邪相待,但是我总是忽略不会主动。我太自我自理,而这就是生活,百分之八十生活消磨在我们的平淡里。在平淡穿插里找归属感、认同感、温暖感。

 

幸好,一路上我很平静,没有超载。我不能用一把自制的放大镜来放大自己那微不足道的成长经历。谁不比你煎熬?不想再以一种博取认同同情的口吻,向某个信任的人描述那个时候承受的那些。那一天给妈妈打了电话,说了很多在没有她和爸爸的日子里,我和妹妹与同龄人不同的那些承受。我落了好多泪,好像海绵。好像大海。妈妈什么也没说,我知道她能懂,这样就很好。

 

定时忧伤,这是我个性使然。定时喧闹,亦是人的情绪表达。我骨子里是内向的、占强的,我还记得。即使是一棵树,它也会用一圈圈的树轮在记录那些刮风下雨阳光雨露的日子。这个过程的最后是:树木长大了,枝枝蔓蔓。从前的自己不断重组更新,想去接近自己想要成为的自己。不需要每个人理解我,我爱我自己,我拥有的太多。我怀恋的太多。而明天是未知而新鲜的。谢谢自己让我遇见我自己、一路偕行。

 

不要试图告诉,你准备做成哪般模样,你要”实现”某某某,以物质形式叙述。不要用有愧于自己的方法做事,还认为自己是在奋斗。有一天,如果你来告诉我,你一直在做着这样的一件事:“保持着做一个真实、沉稳、善良的人”我会心里暗自踱着,这才是真正的“实现”。当你拥有了这些,你会觉得,一切都足够了。记得巴金说:生命的意义在于付出,在于给予,而不是在于接受,也不是在于争取。

 

At last it dawned onto me that these obstacles were my life.

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